What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:00
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve heard pretending to be asleep?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is soul school!.
Watch an asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier make a close pass of Earth on June 5 - Space
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why are people nowadays so into anal sex?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
So whats the point in blame.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do some guys treat girls so badly?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?